January 16, 2011

This post is going to be a quick post but went to the gym yesterday and after I was done I was looking at myself in the mirror and I noticed that I am seeing the beginning of a gap between my legs. Not a very big one but it is there!!!! Also went to the mall yesterday and my mom and I went into Lane Bryant.. I was looking for a pea coat and I tried on thier smallest size and i was pretty much swimming in it. I tried some on at New York and company but they didn't fit right. The extra large was long enough for my arms but waist wise it was too big. The large fit right all around except in my shoulders and my arms. I have broad shoulders and long arms so this whole finding a coat really sucks. Supposedly my mom says that even if I lose more weight my shoulders will still be broad.. how can i fix this????

I wish

January 12, 2011

Work sucked again today... well kind of. See things are a bit odd at my place of employment, we lack what I like to call any type of organization. We have a supervisor of sorts, but she doesn't really have great leadership qualities therefore, we all kind of fend for ourselves. And you know that kind of works ok if you know what you are doing.. I however just started at this place 6 months ago and I just was moved into my new position about 3 months ago with very little training. So anyway things get a little sloppy/ screwed up, and then people get in trouble and blamed and now apparently all of us are going to get fired. Because that makes ton of sense fire the entire department... then what is going to happen??? Whatever I was a little upset this morning but the more I think about it the more outrageous it seems. The only thing I can do is make sure that I don't make any mistakes. So today I worked, did my best, and double and triple checked my work. So far on the 8 studies I have on right now I don't see any mistakes, but I just need to keep my focus. The one good thing that came from all this madness was that I got so scared of being fired that I totally lost my appetite. I wasn't very hungry today and only ate when I came home from work with my family. Then I went to the gym and had an ok workout. It could have been better but I wasn't very focused. I was too busy looking for this cute guy, who obviously wasn't there, which was kind of a let down. After the gym I stopped at the pharmacy and got some stuff including the Mega Green tea fat burner. Supposedly it will help you drop 20 pounds. I haven't ever tried this so I figured I would give it a go! I was also thinking of taking some pictures and posting them, you know to give me more motivation, but I am kind of nervous to do it.... Nobody, and I mean nobody has ever seen my body like that.... I don't know, I will have to think this through......

January 9, 2011

Why do all celebratory things usually focus on food? Yesterday my mom decided we should go out and celebrate me going full time at work. What we did was go to the Melting Pot for lunch. The Melting Pot is a fondue restaurant I wanted to go to awhile ago but it is expensive so I never got the chance to go. I was excited but then when I go there I got all awkward because the whole menu is fattening. My mom wanted to go full out and get this like4 course thing, but I convinced her to only get the cheese and chocolate. She got a salad as well, but I don't know how she ate all of it because I was stuffed without the salad. But anyway then we went to run some more errands. We ended the day by going to Bloomingdale's, which might have been the worst decison ever. I was kind of feeling good about how I was looking and I thought I looked cute, but then I went and saw my reflextion in the mirror and I looked like at FAT SLOB!!! And then my mom wants to go to the corner bakery... WTF!?! Neither one of us needs to go to a bakery! So we went and i just wanted a coffee but no my mom made me get a brownie. I felt so disgusting, it was horrible.

Today I woke up and since I didnt have to work I went to the gym. But i still felt so fat that I didn't take my sweatpants off. I just couldn't expose my huge thighs to the whole gym. I think it worked more in my favor because I was so hot by the end of my cardio that I thought I was going to die!! I probably burned a couple more calories than normal. Then I went shopping and bought 2 new pairs of yoga pants from Old Navy.. I hope they fit me and don't make me feel like even more of a fat ass. I think I need to start dressing a little nice for the gym. There are some cute guys there but I don't think they will notice me if I am looking like a slob.  

January 7, 2011

I feel like such a failure right now. I feel like I have kind of just given up on everything. I set those goals for earlier this week and I totally just failed. I was doing so good, but then my monthly visitor came, and everything just want to nothing. Up until wednesday I was doing great only eating one meal a day and going to the gym. Then I was really hungry on Thursday but I didn't eat until I went to dinner with my friend. I really didn't eat all that much but I didn't go to the gym. Then I woke up this morning and I had gained. I hadn't weighed myself all week but on Monday I was 194, this morning I was 198. 4lbs?!?!?!? What the hell????????? I don't even know!!! I am so angry at myself. So you know obviously I say well thats it I am not eating at all today. Well that lasted all day until I came home. I was going to try and only eat a real tiny piece of dinner but instead I binged. Then I felt the need to weigh myself and oh yea gained 2 more pounds. I can't even write the number I want to die. I can't even think right now. I was doing so well and I don't feel like I gained. I even wore my skinny jeans today and they weren't as tight even though they just came out of the dryer. Even my scrubs at work were falling down. Or were they? Maybe it is all a figment of my imagination that I am losing weight and really I am just staying at the same weight and looking like a fat ass slob.... I think i am going to take some lax, then maybe start on a new crocheting project while watching Eclipse. I can't allow myself to go outside looking like this. I am including some pictures of Kristen Stewart from the People's Choice Awards this week. She was looking so tiny and pretty. She is my ultimate thinspo....

January 3, 2010

I hope everyone had a great holiday!! I know I did, it was very nice to not have to work and be able to spend time with my family. Now its time to get back to work!! I hit the gym yesterday for the first time in almost 2 weeks, yea I am disgusting I know, and it felt great! My plan for this new year is to take things just 1 week at a time. I figure that if I set smaller goals for myself then maybe it will be easier for myself to attain them and then I wont get as frustrated. Every Monday  goals for the week. This way I will be able to track my status.

Goals: Eat 1 meal a day

          Go to the gym 6 days for at least 1 hour.