Blah

I'm having a bit of a depressive streak right now. Not really motivated to do anything, that's why I really haven't posted any big posts. I'm sorry if it seems like I am not really caring but I can't help it. It takes a lot to motivate me to make it through the day right now. There is a lot of stuff going on with my family right now and its causing me to stress out a little bit and its not really helping my situation. I will right about this in a little when i am feeling a little more motivated.

By the way my scale at home is definelty broken. Weighed myself at the gym and I was 195 with clothes on, got home and didn't eat or drink anything jumped on the scale and it said 200. Ummm really?!? So from now on I will be using the gym scale...

Boring

Nothing really much to report but I figured I would update. I have been restricting like crazy but my weight has not changed AT ALL!!!! I havent gained which is good but I also havent lost which is not good. I think that scale  might be broken so tomorrow I am going to start weighing myself at the gym and only using that one.  That's about it... Im watching Glee right now... who knew that these girls had such amazing bodies!!! More thinspiration for me I guess.....

It's been a while....

Hey there.. it's been a long time since I posted last because I have been having a pretty rough time. It was my birthday last week... and that just created a horrible downward spiral but Im happy to say that I am back on track. I am back down to 199.4. I got up almost to my high weight so even though that sounds like a shit ton, i am kind of glad I am back there. I am really restricting for the next 2 weeks before I go back to school.

On a good note, I did get into my smallest sized jeans recently. I threw out my biggest sized jeans so there is no way I can go back up to my high weight.  Not allowing it. I will catch up on everybody soon. I have just been real busy with work, working out, and sleeping.. .that is pretty much all that I do.... what a great life I live!

Well I am going to head out for a run now. I'll be back later. 

AAAHHHHH

So I woke up this morning and weighed myself to find that I had gained 5 lbs!! How the hell does that happen?? I was so good yesterday I had a vit taop muffin for lunch = 100cal, and then i ate some pasta and meatballs which I'm gonna say was about 700 calories... that is probably over estimating but that is what i do. Then I went to the gym and had an intense workout. Where the hell did those pounds come from??

Today I have had a total of 400 calories and I am gonna go to dinner with my friend but I am only gonna have a salad. I could just scream. I hate gaining weight. Ecspecially when I don't know why. Hopefully it is only because it is coming up on "that time of the month". Who knows. Just makes me sad :(

Good things come to those who wait!

All right well I am in a pretty good mood right now for several reasons. First of all I avoided temptation and beat my cravings for chips and a sandwich. I made myself come straight home after Church and eat a toasted bagel thin, and my harvest vegetables. I binged a little with 3 pieces of cheese and some candy corn but in total I don't think that I broke 1,000 calories for the day so I will be happy with that. I took a ton of lax so hopefully it will all eliminated soon anyway. Sorry for that tmi. 

The second reason is that my old friend who I mentioned earlier who we got into a huge fight around this time last year finally accepted my friend request on facebook. I am totally psyched and I am not too sure why. Hopefully we can go back to being friends again. I will keep you posted on this!!

The third reason I am in a good mood is that I am watching my boys play against Alabama. However Alabama just scored soooo that made me a little sad but still due to the first and second reason I am still smiling!! Hope everyone is doing well!! I don't think I have thanked all my followers for reading and commenting! It really does mean a lot to me!

Nothin New

Well nothing really new has been happening. I have been doing well, but i haven't gotten on the scale so I don't know. I have been dreading it because I just don't want to see the lack of progress I probably made. But I will get on the scale on Sunday, I promise and  then I will update everybody. Hopefully there is some major loss there!!

My parents and sister went down the shore for the weekend and left me alone because I have to work. Sooooo exciting cause guess what! I don't have to eat and I can just drink and exercise all day!! I went out and bout more laxatives and stackers today. Im just waiting for the lax to kick in and then I will be empty and I will stay empty for as long as I can. The plan for tomorrow is to get up, go to work, go to the gym/ go for a run depending on the weather, and then go to Church. I bought some diet coke so that should keep me full until after church when I can eat the vegetables i bought today. I think that is all i am going to allow myself. I have less than a month to reach my goal. I need to stay strong!!

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Not much to report today so I think I will just list out my intake. I am down 4 pounds from where I was yesterday after my binge filled 2 days so I guess that is good. I don't know it just ticks me off that I was so close to goal 1 and now I am back to the beginning. But hey now that I am back on track it hopefully it will work.

Intake for the day so far:

~ Venti caramel latter with skim milk= 160

~ Turkey burger, bun + cheese = 405

~ 1/2 cup Penne Pasta salad = 150

~ Skinny cow icecream cone = 100

~100 calorie pack = 100

All of this brings my total to 915. It's under 1,000 so I guess i will take it.

 

:(

Ok so I suck at life. I told myself that yesterday I could eat as long as today I fasted... well guess who failed at the whole fast thing. Seriously why can't I get thin? Like is the whole world conspiring against me to make me fat? It's not even like I want to eat, but i just do. I am so angry with myself right now.

And to add to my pathetic life,  I friended girl on facebook today. We were friends last year until I fucked up and opened my mouth and said something I shouldn't have to a supposed friend and of course you can see where things went from here. But see the thing is I still am upset about losing her as a friend. It hurt so bad and it hasn't been a year yet but it is coming up on a year. I am waiting to see if she accepts. I feel like such a loser now that I did this, but it just felt like something I should have done. Plus she is major thinspiration for me. She is gorgeous, super thin, and has a killer body. I look at her and wish that I look just like her. To be honest I can see why she wanted to drop me as a friend. Who wants to have a fat ass loser friend when they are as gorgeous as that?

Tomorrow I am not going to fast, I think my problem is that I am going from one extreme to the next. I am only going to limit myself to dinner tomorrow and just a small amount of it. Plus I am going to hit the gym after I get done at work. I am just going to take it one day at a time.

Self Control... What is that?

So yesterday i woke up and consumed about 500 calories of toast for breakfast. Felt like a fat ass so I went for a run and didnt come back until i burnt off those calories. Felt better and decided that was enough for the day. Then I went and picked up my mom from work who then decided we needed to go to freaking Dairy Queen. I wanted to kill myself. I didn't want the icecream but if I refused then I would hear it from my mom and really I am getting sick of listening to her bitch and moan and call me names just because I dont want to be a fat ass like her. So I ate the icecream. But to counter balance that I went to the gym and took a zone class. It was actually pretty cool and I am totally feeling it today. But then of course I had to mess it up again because when I came home my dad had bought cupcakes from the cupcake truck down in the city and of course my fat ass felt the need to eat one. I didnt even attempt to chew and spit just sat there and ate it. I am still so pissed at myself. I don't understand why I cannot just say no.Ugg and today isn't going to be much better because I have to go down and see my grandparents. Why? Why? Why? I am totally fasting on Saturday. I don't care what kind of lies i have to tell people but no food is entering my body. No way I only have a month and 4 days to drop these pounds...... I will not go back to see my friends looking like this I can't.

Failure Failure Failure

So today started off really good. I had a coffee for breakfast diet coke for lunch. Figured what the hey I will just keep it up and fast for the day.. but no... had to come home and stuff my fat ass face with shit. Binged on about 500 calories... pissed off at myself. Why can't i control myself anymore??

Anyway I am heading to the gym need to work off those calories and I also took some lax on my way home from work so hopefully I will have eliminated the shit out of my body before I go to sleep tonight...  

Update: just got back from the gym. It was a great workout!! My lax's kicked in finally!! I just weighed weighed myself and i am at 196.4!!! Seriously am I that close to goal weight #1 already???? That gives me more motivation to not eat for the rest of the night... 

Alright well I think I am just going to try and keep myself busy...hmm maybe I will go back to working on my crocheting... or maybe I will start my new book....


Remember: Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!