Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would do it. Its the hard that makes it great

Hey there!! Sorry it has been awhile since I posted. Alot has happened since the last time I wrote. I spent all day Friday with the kid James and had a great day. He is real cute and super sweet. Even though he lives 3.5 hours away he didn't leave until 11:30 at night and wants to come down again soon. I'm embarressed to say this but that was my first date ever. I know it's kind of hard to believe but I think it has something to do with my self esteem issues. I just have never felt that I am good enough for somebody to actually want to spend time with me. I'm messed up I know!!! But in the end, I really like him and really wish that he lived closer cause this distance thing is just not making me happy...

Weight wise it has been going well too!! I hit 195 today! I weighed in at 195.6 this morning. I am not going to count this as my goal weight because when you round up it is actually 196. But I am so close I can almost feel it!!! I'm going to eat dinner and then hit the gym, maybe a little harder so that hopefully I am under 195 tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!!

Calories can't make you happy.

Has anyone been watching the new show on E called What's Eating You??? It is an amazing show. I really feel like I understand where these people are coming from. It makes me feel sad but it is also really triggering. The one I am watching right now is focusing on a boy who uses laxatives to purge. I do that sometimes even though I know it is bad and now I have this overwhelming feeling to go out and get some lax to get rid of what I ate today. I didn't even eat that much but I just want to get rid of it because I feel like a fat lard.   I fasted all day until lunch like I said I would since I broke my rule. And at lunch I ate half an apple because it was so stressful that I just couldn't eat. We had a somewhat of a suprise inspection so I was running around like crazy. This sounds bad but I am going to count that as my gym for the day cause I am exhausted.

Here is some good news. So I met this kid when I went up to school a couple of weeks ago and we have been talking pretty much every night. He like really wanted to hang out with me even though he lives like 2 hours away. I don't understand why he would want to drive that far just to hang out. It is weird. I truly don't think that anybody has ever liked me enough to drive down to see me. Even my friends from school don't come and visit. To be honest it kind of freaks me out. But yea he is coming down tomorrow and I am sooooooo nervous!!!! It's crazy! I don't know what to do???  I just don't think that I am worth it. He told me I was cute last night. That was really suprising because I don't think I am at all and the only other person who has told me that just wanted to sleep with me.... I hope that hr doesn't think that is what is going to happen cause it DEFINETLY won't happen!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Eat less, weigh less.

Thought I would switch things up today with my meals. Actually ate dinner that my mom cooked but that is it for the night. Heading to the gym in a little to do an hour workout. I think I might try to go a little longer than an hour today because I did eat dinner. Im not sure how much was in this dinner but I'm gonna estimate again.  My co-workers commented on the fact that I have lost weight since I started working there. Im not to sure what they see because I am DEFINETLY not seeing it!!! It kind of made me feel good. What also made me feel good was the fact that they are starting a tug of war between the two departments at work for having me work for them. Apparently Im that good of a worker... who knew???

         

                          Breakfast: coffee = 10

                                             Vitamuffin = 100

                           Lunch: Banana =90

                                       Fiber 1 bar = 140

                                        Water

                          Dinner: coffee = 10

                                 Stuffed porkchop with apples = 500

                                 vegetables = 50
                                 water

My total intake was 900!!! Wow I didn't realize I ate so much, and I broke my rule about breakfast and lunch only totaling 300 calories. Shit! Ok well to punish myself I am going to add an extra half hour to the workout tonight and fast until lunch time tomorrow. I need to be stricter. I weighed myself this morning and I was at 199 again. What the hell this is so frustrating!!! I don't even know why because I have been restricting like crazy!!! But I'm not going to let it get me down. I just have to try harder. Thanks so much to everyone who reads this. Your comments really mean a lot to me!! Alright well I am heading to the gym!! Have a good night everyone!

      

Ask me to show you perfect and I will show you a thin person.

Today has been another great day. Stayed strong again and resisted the open bag of chocolate chips in the cabinet when I came home from work. Mom made soup for dinner so I don't think that had that much calories in it. I had 1 bowl and 1/2 a slider. It feels great to be in such control!! I am getting ready to hit the gym and then come home to do some ALAT studying/ watch Glee.... I weighed in this morning at 198.2 so I hopefully will be under 198 tomorrow morning as long as I don't eat anything after the gym. I am going to try to keep myself occupied so that does not happen. Here is my intake for today... I couldnt find the soup wrappers so I am just estimating with that...

                                 Breakfast: coffee =10

                                                 Fiber 1 bar = 140

                                  Lunch: water

                                             Fiber 1 bar = 140

                                  Dinner: water

                                              1 bowl of soup = 300 

                                               1/2 slider = 150

                                             coffee = 10

That brings my total to 750.... a little more than yesterday but I should be able to burn most of this off at the gym tonight....

Do you really want to be that weight for the rest of your life!?!?

Rule #1: Breakfast and Lunch must total under 300 calories

Rule #2: Must drink 1 full water bottle with each meal.

Rule #3: Only drink water or coffee. I will allow myself 1 redbull a week cause I can't live without!

Rule #4: Water intake has to be at least 4 bottles of water.
Rule #5: Must go to the gym 6 days a week for at least an hour.
Rule #6: If eating dinner must be eaten before going to the gym.

Rule #7: If eating dinner must eat the minimum allowed without drawing attention from mom.

Rule #8: No eating past 7:30pm

Rule #9: Must weigh in twice a day = once in the morning and once at night before bed

Rule #10: If I go into the kitchen to snack must drink a full bottle of water and immediately leave.

 

 So the rules with lines in them are the ones I have kept thus far today. The other ones I dont see myself breaking but I don't want to cross them off the list just yet. Because of all the fighting with my mom yesterday about that nasty dinner, she told me that I could eat whatever i wanted for dinner and that my dad was having the left overs. SCORE!!! My intake for the day is as follows:

                                                                 Breakfast: coffee- 10

                                                                                     Fiber 1 bar - 140

 

                                                                  Lunch: water

                                                                                Fiber 1 bar- 140

 

                                                                   Dinner: water

                                                                                  coffee- 10

                                                                                 yogurt- 110

                                                                                 wheat thins - 130

                                                                                 apple - 65

That brings my total intake to 605, and I feel satisfied right now. I am getting ready to head to the gym. I take this intense class at 6:30, but I want to get some cardio in so that I can make sure I burn off the total amount of calories I took in today. 

 

I am actually pretty proud of myself for 2 reasons. Number  1, my mom brought home candy and I refused it. Even after she pretty much threw it at me I still said no, I am on diet!! Also she baked the pumpkin pie last night, my fav by the way, and there is one piece left still in the fridge, calling to me. I could have devoured the whole thing when I got home from work, but I didn't I opened the fridge, saw it, and promptly closed the fridge and walked upstairs to get changed. Let me tell you seeing myself in the mirror was thinspiration itself!! Number 2, at work I am getting promoted, and they are letting me do real tech stuff tomorrow. I am so happy and proud that I stayed at this crap job because it is finally paying off!!!

 

 

10/17/10

Rule #1: Breakfast and Lunch must total under 300 calories

Rule #2: Must drink 1 full water bottle with each meal.

Rule #3: Only drink water or coffee. I will allow myself 1 redbull a week cause I can't live without!

Rule #4: Water intake has to be at least 4 bottles of water.
Rule #5: Must go to the gym 6 days a week for at least an hour.
Rule #6: If eating dinner must be eaten before going to the gym.

Rule #7: If eating dinner must eat the minimum allowed without drawing attention from mom.

Rule #8: No eating past 7:30pm

Rule #9: Must weigh in twice a day = once in the morning and once at night before bed

Rule #10: If I go into the kitchen to snack must drink a full bottle of water and immediately leave.

Alright so those are the rules and today I have pretty much broke all of them today. So pissed off at myself today it is unbelievable. Tomorrow I need to get strict again.. However I realized that I haven't decided on a punishment for when I break my rules. I think if I blatantly break a rule it will result in fasting for the rest of the day and the following day. If i only break the rule a little bit it will result in fasting for the rest of the day. If i break more than 1 rule no matter how big the break was I will have to fast for the rest of the day. the following day, and I have to add an extra hour to my gym time the following day. 

 Ugg so my mom made dinner tonight for the first time in forever and we all had to eat it. It was some steak thing and now I feel sick. First off I don't eat red meat.. i just don't. I will eat chicken but not red meat. It thoroughly disgusts me. Now i was forced to eat it and will probably be sick tonight because of it. Secondly I didn't want to eat dinner tonight. I just wasn't feeling it. I feel like such a big tub of lard already and when I continue to put more food into my mouth I just feel myself expanding. I feel the need to purge but I haven't done that in so long and I really don't want to. I don't have any laxatives right now either so I am really pissed. Plus my mom baked a pie and is expecting us all to have a piece. NO NO NO NO NO NO. I DONT WANT ANY MORE FOOD!!!! WHY CAN'T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT?????




 

10/13/10

Today woke up and weighed myself as usual... and much to my excitement the scale was lower than it has been in a while... i hit 198.8 today!!! Its a small amount but its still something. 

Stayed following my rules today so i am pretty happy.. I am really hungry right now but I am trying to decide if i want to eat or not. Its a toughie!!

New game New rules

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't So if the chain is on your door, I understand.




Ok so here are some updates on my life. Number 1 I am still a fat ass... weight has not budged. I don't really understand that but I will come back to this in a little. Number 2 I went on a little vacation this weekend. I went back to school for homecoming, and while I was there one of my friends decided it was a good idea to try to set me up with her nephew. I met him on Wednesday night and he was really cute and seemed really nice. To make a long story short he apparently really liked me to and we have been talking everyday since. He really wants to hang out but the thing is he  lives like 3 hours away. It just feels weird to have someone actually want to spend time with me. I find myself putting up the wall and I think it is because I can't accept it for what it is. I don't know why I feel like this. Is this normal?? I have no idea and it is causing me a lot of stress. Another issue that I am having with this is the fact that he is real thin... and I obviously am not... so today I started a new diet. I really need to get in control and so far today I have done really well. I created a new set of rules that I need to follow each day.

Rule #1: Breakfast and Lunch must total under 300 calories

Rule #2: Must drink 1 full water bottle with each meal.

Rule #3: Only drink water or coffee. I will allow myself 1 redbull a week cause I can't live without!

Rule #4: Water intake has to be at least 4 bottles of water.
Rule #5: Must go to the gym 6 days a week for at least an hour.
Rule #6: If eating dinner must be eaten before going to the gym.

Rule #7: If eating dinner must eat the minimum allowed without drawing attention from mom.

Rule #8: No eating past 7:30pm

Rule #9: Must weigh in twice a day = once in the morning and once at night before bed

Rule #10: If I go into the kitchen to snack must drink a full bottle of water and immediately leave.

These are rules that I am going to stick to. I ABSOLUTELY need to slim down. I wont allow myself to stay at this size anymore...it is sickening. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. This needs to stop now!