New Year New Me

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I have been crazy busy. But as the title says, as the new year begins I am going to change a few things about myself. First off I am going to get serious about this weightloss. By this time next year I want to be under 175. It will happen I promise. Secondly I am going to devote more time this blog and to all my followers. I feel like I have been a horrible person here and I don't want to to be like that. I will try to post everyday and comment more often than I do. Thirdly I am going to be a more social person. I am painfully shy but I really need to break out of my shell and meet new people. I know this might be the hardest part of my New Year's resolution. I will keep you all posted on this too....

So I was wondering.... what are some of your resolutions???

Survived!!!

Well today was the dreaded Office Christmas Party. It was a potluck where everybody brings in something that they made. I was really worried about this because I hate eating in front of people. I always feel like people are judging me and thinking look at that fat ass is she really eating that! So I made sure not to eat anything after 7:30 last night until 12:30 this afternoon when this party started. Then I just took a little bit of some stuff so that it looked like I had a lot on my plate but I really didn't. I didn't have that much and then I had to run in the back to do some work... yea that's right I had to do work during the party... but I was happy because it was dessert time when I was busy. I thought that I could escape but noooooo when I got back they were all still eating dessert and then somehow I ended up taking 2 shots of this polish vodka. Now I  am not a big drinker, on top of the fact that I don't have a very high tolerance, and I had almost nothing in my stomach, you can see where this is going. I didn't want to be the drunk at the party so I hurried up and stuffed some dessert in my stomach so that I wouldn't look like a fool. I was so pissed at myself. I can't even tell you what I ate!!! But the girl who does the animal care job that I use to do called out sick today so me and my coworker had to cover her stuff. This job is pretty heavy duty work so I burned more calories than normal today so my mini binge wasn't so bad but I am still ticked!!

Here is an interesting thing that happened today. I walked into the tech office in my scrubs today. I had to put on what I like to call the skinny scrubs, you know like skinny jeans, because this crazy lady is hording all my new scrubs, she only works 1 day a week but for whatever reason I had 3 new pairs of scrubs and all of a sudden they are missing and she is wearing my scrubs!! But anyway, these scrubs are tighter, not as tight as they use to be, but I really dont like to wear tight stuff that shows off every roll on my body. I hate it!!! Well I was stadning in my scrubs getting something out and the crazy scrub hoarding lady goes, Are you losing weight. To which I reply... uhh no I don't think so. And she goes are you sure cause I think you are. Now this is the second person at work to mention this too me. It makes me feel good but also I just don't see it. Even though I see the scale going down, I still look at myself in the mirror and see a fat fat person who shouldn't be able to leave the house.

Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or small, has its states of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory.

Grape

Went out tonight. Couldnt find anything to wear because nothing fit right cause I am a fat lard ass. Decided on a purple shirt. Probably looked like a grape. Drank beer and now I am sitting in bed semi drunk trying to fall asleep because i have to get up in a couple of hours but am pissed at myself for drinking and not going to the gym. I just want to be thin and to get a boyfriend. I am sick of being fat and alone.

New week New start

I had a fantastic day today! For breakfast I had an apple and coffee. For lunch I had a bannana and water. For dinner I had some o my mom's stew and then went to the gym and had a crazy workout. I feel so in control today. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I hope that I can stay in this mode for a while. Hopefully I can get back on the path to weight loss. Sorry this is so short but I have to go shower so that I can get in bed and get back to reading. I just started Gone with the Wind. I love the movie but I have never read the book!

New York

SO I went to New York yesterday to visit my brother who goes to school in Brooklyn. It was a really fun time minus all the food I ate. I tried to stay on track and I think I did pretty well. I skipped breakfast and for lunch I had an Asian chicken salad and a diet coke. Then we walked all over the city until dinner where I had pasta in vodka sauce. I wanted to get another salad but my mom wouldn't let me. Apparently when you are in Little Italy you aren't allowed to just get a salad. But while my mom and brother were slopping up dessert I just had coffee. I felt so strong saying no to the dessert. Then on the way back we stopped at a bakery to bring stuff back to my dad and sister and I stayed strong and didn't get anything. I weighed myself this morning and I didn't gain which is good but I didn't lose either. I am at 195. Im so frustrated. So far to today I have had 2 nutrigrain bars. I am not going to eat anything until I go to the movies with my sister. I will get a diet soda there and then when we go to Chick-a-fila I will get a salad. No dressing. I am serious I need to get down to 185 by the end of this month. 

Tomorrow I am going to fast all day and then go to the gym. My plan for the week gym wise is to go everyday for at least 1 hour. I am disgusting to look at. I am so embarrassed by myself. UGGGG

Countdown to Turkey day

Hey there. Sorry I haven't had the chance to update. I have been crazy busy with work. It seems that everything is begining to pick up again which is great, well with the exception that they want me to get trained in a different department, the slower department, while my department is swamped with requests. It is hilarious the "tug of war" I am invovled in. I just sit back and go where ever I am needed. 

Weightwise, I am still stuck at 194, but my mom says that she can really see the weightloss. Personally I still think I look like a fat cow which sucks because I wish that I could see what she sees. I have been doing a lot of weight training recently, so I might have lost some more weight but I might have gained some muscle. I guess that is ok because muscle burns more calories than fat even when you are just sitting there. I went to boxing last night before my Body Blast class and had a ton of fun. It was a great workout and it was really fun too!! I got to put boxing gloves on and punch people. It was a good stress reliever and I will definetly be going again!!

My current thinspo person is Emma Watson from Harry Potter. I saw the movie twice last weekend and I am so jealous of how skinny and tiny she is. So here are a couple of pictures of her for motivation!

FAIL!!!

So this weekend has been one of the biggest let downs thus far. I just ate and ate and ate. I kept telling myself to stop but then I kept finding myself in the kitchen. I don't even want to get on the scale tomorrow morning cause I know that it is just going to piss me off. I am so frustrated with myself. I always hit a goal and then back track. I need to keep going down, I don't have time for this up and down game!! And now I am getting all stressed out about this weight crap, among other things, that my face is breaking out. AHHHHH

Here is the plan for tomorrow. Breakfast will be a large cup of coffee. Lunch will be a bottle of water and possibly a Fiber 1 bar, depends on what the scale reads. I know what my mom is cooking for dinner, so i will have a little of that, try to keep it around 500 calories, and then I will go to the gym and burn that and then some off. I think I am going to try the boxing class before my body blast class. It looks real intense but also like a lot of fun. Wish me luck! I really need to stick to this plan!!

Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would do it. Its the hard that makes it great.

I wanted to thank you all for giving me the inspiration I needed yesterday to get off my fat ass and go to the gym. I was totally not feeling motivated to go work out but then I came on here and read the blogs and then felt like I needed to go workout because otherwise I would be letting you down. I woke up this morning and when the scale said 194 that made me feel so great. I am still below GW #1, and now i only have 9 more lbs to go to GW #2.

And I also went out on Tuesday night. I had a great time. I went out with a co-worker and her friends and I had a lot of fun. I even drank and came home and didn't get into any trouble!!! Woot woot.. If you knew my mom you would be excited too!! And it took my mind off of the boy.... I still can't believe he was such a jackass but hey whatever! I am moving onto better things!!

Cough Cough

Ugg still feel like crap. I had to take off work today to go to the doctors to get a physical for my work.... I hate being home because i feel like such a waste. I also don't have a car at the moment so today I have to go out and buy a new battery for the stupid thing. I can't wait until I can save enough to get my own. I have been trying to watch my spending... This is also a good way to watch my calories because I can use my saving money as an excuse to not go out and eat!! 

That being said, went to the doctor and got weighed. They weighed me in my jeans and sweater and I still weighed less than what I use to weigh naked soooo that got me excited!! But I am still a fat whale so I am not that excited. I am heading to the gym tonight. They started a boxing class before my usual class so I think I am going to try that tonight. I have a lot of pent up aggression and I think this is a better way to get it out than some of my other ways. 


Ok so this is why I hate being home. I was bored and decided to go on facebook... yea what a freaken great idea! Went on the boy's page and there are all these pictures with him and this girl and they are posting to each other like we use to post. I know we were never really anything but this really hurts. I don't know why but I legitimately have a pain in my chest and it feels like I have been punched in the stomach. I am on the verge of tears. I just don't understand. I have never been in a relationship and I went on my first ever "real" date with this kid. And then he just up and stops talking to me. What the hell I DON'T GET IT!!! I seriously can not be that ugly!  I try to play it off like it doesn't really bother me but it does. I don't know how much more of this I can take. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

Blahh

This is going to be a quick one because i feel like crap. Hit goal weight #1 and then some today. I havent eaten anything today because I felt so sick all day so I hope this sticks!! So i guess today was a fasting day... let's see if i can get away with it tomorrow. I guess that is the only good thing about being sick. I took some medicine so hopefully i will be falling asleep soon. I really haven't been able to sleep lately because i have been upset about the boy. He just stopped texting me. I don't know what i did but I haven't heard from here since tuesday and normally we talk everyday. I am trying to not let it get me down but it does kind of hurt my feelings....

No food... No food... No food

This weekend was horrible. I just couldn't control myself and pretty much had a 3 day binge. Good thing is I only gained 0.2 lbs so I guess that isn't too bad but I am still pretty pissed. I went to the gym for 2 hours yesterday and this morning I woke up and i had gained another 0.6lbs. What the hell. It is disgusting. 


This morning I skipped breakfast and only ate about 3 slices of apple but now I have to eat dinner with the family. I don't want to eat but I already tried to get out of it but it failed epically. Good news, my mom has noticed my weight loss so I guess I am losing but I just don't see it!! There is still a lot of work to do. 


I really should go to the gym but I am just so tired. I am going to make myself go but I might not do the treadmill, maybe I will do the eliptical for 30 minutes, do the stepper for 15 minutes, do the eliptical for 30 more minutes, and then the bike for 15 minutes. Followed by some abs and stretching. 


I am thinking about starting some diet pills too. I just am not too sure which ones to get. After the gym I am going to stop by the pharmacy and see what they have. Any suggestions??

Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would do it. Its the hard that makes it great

Hey there!! Sorry it has been awhile since I posted. Alot has happened since the last time I wrote. I spent all day Friday with the kid James and had a great day. He is real cute and super sweet. Even though he lives 3.5 hours away he didn't leave until 11:30 at night and wants to come down again soon. I'm embarressed to say this but that was my first date ever. I know it's kind of hard to believe but I think it has something to do with my self esteem issues. I just have never felt that I am good enough for somebody to actually want to spend time with me. I'm messed up I know!!! But in the end, I really like him and really wish that he lived closer cause this distance thing is just not making me happy...

Weight wise it has been going well too!! I hit 195 today! I weighed in at 195.6 this morning. I am not going to count this as my goal weight because when you round up it is actually 196. But I am so close I can almost feel it!!! I'm going to eat dinner and then hit the gym, maybe a little harder so that hopefully I am under 195 tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!!

Calories can't make you happy.

Has anyone been watching the new show on E called What's Eating You??? It is an amazing show. I really feel like I understand where these people are coming from. It makes me feel sad but it is also really triggering. The one I am watching right now is focusing on a boy who uses laxatives to purge. I do that sometimes even though I know it is bad and now I have this overwhelming feeling to go out and get some lax to get rid of what I ate today. I didn't even eat that much but I just want to get rid of it because I feel like a fat lard.   I fasted all day until lunch like I said I would since I broke my rule. And at lunch I ate half an apple because it was so stressful that I just couldn't eat. We had a somewhat of a suprise inspection so I was running around like crazy. This sounds bad but I am going to count that as my gym for the day cause I am exhausted.

Here is some good news. So I met this kid when I went up to school a couple of weeks ago and we have been talking pretty much every night. He like really wanted to hang out with me even though he lives like 2 hours away. I don't understand why he would want to drive that far just to hang out. It is weird. I truly don't think that anybody has ever liked me enough to drive down to see me. Even my friends from school don't come and visit. To be honest it kind of freaks me out. But yea he is coming down tomorrow and I am sooooooo nervous!!!! It's crazy! I don't know what to do???  I just don't think that I am worth it. He told me I was cute last night. That was really suprising because I don't think I am at all and the only other person who has told me that just wanted to sleep with me.... I hope that hr doesn't think that is what is going to happen cause it DEFINETLY won't happen!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Eat less, weigh less.

Thought I would switch things up today with my meals. Actually ate dinner that my mom cooked but that is it for the night. Heading to the gym in a little to do an hour workout. I think I might try to go a little longer than an hour today because I did eat dinner. Im not sure how much was in this dinner but I'm gonna estimate again.  My co-workers commented on the fact that I have lost weight since I started working there. Im not to sure what they see because I am DEFINETLY not seeing it!!! It kind of made me feel good. What also made me feel good was the fact that they are starting a tug of war between the two departments at work for having me work for them. Apparently Im that good of a worker... who knew???

         

                          Breakfast: coffee = 10

                                             Vitamuffin = 100

                           Lunch: Banana =90

                                       Fiber 1 bar = 140

                                        Water

                          Dinner: coffee = 10

                                 Stuffed porkchop with apples = 500

                                 vegetables = 50
                                 water

My total intake was 900!!! Wow I didn't realize I ate so much, and I broke my rule about breakfast and lunch only totaling 300 calories. Shit! Ok well to punish myself I am going to add an extra half hour to the workout tonight and fast until lunch time tomorrow. I need to be stricter. I weighed myself this morning and I was at 199 again. What the hell this is so frustrating!!! I don't even know why because I have been restricting like crazy!!! But I'm not going to let it get me down. I just have to try harder. Thanks so much to everyone who reads this. Your comments really mean a lot to me!! Alright well I am heading to the gym!! Have a good night everyone!

      

Ask me to show you perfect and I will show you a thin person.

Today has been another great day. Stayed strong again and resisted the open bag of chocolate chips in the cabinet when I came home from work. Mom made soup for dinner so I don't think that had that much calories in it. I had 1 bowl and 1/2 a slider. It feels great to be in such control!! I am getting ready to hit the gym and then come home to do some ALAT studying/ watch Glee.... I weighed in this morning at 198.2 so I hopefully will be under 198 tomorrow morning as long as I don't eat anything after the gym. I am going to try to keep myself occupied so that does not happen. Here is my intake for today... I couldnt find the soup wrappers so I am just estimating with that...

                                 Breakfast: coffee =10

                                                 Fiber 1 bar = 140

                                  Lunch: water

                                             Fiber 1 bar = 140

                                  Dinner: water

                                              1 bowl of soup = 300 

                                               1/2 slider = 150

                                             coffee = 10

That brings my total to 750.... a little more than yesterday but I should be able to burn most of this off at the gym tonight....

Do you really want to be that weight for the rest of your life!?!?

Rule #1: Breakfast and Lunch must total under 300 calories

Rule #2: Must drink 1 full water bottle with each meal.

Rule #3: Only drink water or coffee. I will allow myself 1 redbull a week cause I can't live without!

Rule #4: Water intake has to be at least 4 bottles of water.
Rule #5: Must go to the gym 6 days a week for at least an hour.
Rule #6: If eating dinner must be eaten before going to the gym.

Rule #7: If eating dinner must eat the minimum allowed without drawing attention from mom.

Rule #8: No eating past 7:30pm

Rule #9: Must weigh in twice a day = once in the morning and once at night before bed

Rule #10: If I go into the kitchen to snack must drink a full bottle of water and immediately leave.

 

 So the rules with lines in them are the ones I have kept thus far today. The other ones I dont see myself breaking but I don't want to cross them off the list just yet. Because of all the fighting with my mom yesterday about that nasty dinner, she told me that I could eat whatever i wanted for dinner and that my dad was having the left overs. SCORE!!! My intake for the day is as follows:

                                                                 Breakfast: coffee- 10

                                                                                     Fiber 1 bar - 140

 

                                                                  Lunch: water

                                                                                Fiber 1 bar- 140

 

                                                                   Dinner: water

                                                                                  coffee- 10

                                                                                 yogurt- 110

                                                                                 wheat thins - 130

                                                                                 apple - 65

That brings my total intake to 605, and I feel satisfied right now. I am getting ready to head to the gym. I take this intense class at 6:30, but I want to get some cardio in so that I can make sure I burn off the total amount of calories I took in today. 

 

I am actually pretty proud of myself for 2 reasons. Number  1, my mom brought home candy and I refused it. Even after she pretty much threw it at me I still said no, I am on diet!! Also she baked the pumpkin pie last night, my fav by the way, and there is one piece left still in the fridge, calling to me. I could have devoured the whole thing when I got home from work, but I didn't I opened the fridge, saw it, and promptly closed the fridge and walked upstairs to get changed. Let me tell you seeing myself in the mirror was thinspiration itself!! Number 2, at work I am getting promoted, and they are letting me do real tech stuff tomorrow. I am so happy and proud that I stayed at this crap job because it is finally paying off!!!

 

 

10/17/10

Rule #1: Breakfast and Lunch must total under 300 calories

Rule #2: Must drink 1 full water bottle with each meal.

Rule #3: Only drink water or coffee. I will allow myself 1 redbull a week cause I can't live without!

Rule #4: Water intake has to be at least 4 bottles of water.
Rule #5: Must go to the gym 6 days a week for at least an hour.
Rule #6: If eating dinner must be eaten before going to the gym.

Rule #7: If eating dinner must eat the minimum allowed without drawing attention from mom.

Rule #8: No eating past 7:30pm

Rule #9: Must weigh in twice a day = once in the morning and once at night before bed

Rule #10: If I go into the kitchen to snack must drink a full bottle of water and immediately leave.

Alright so those are the rules and today I have pretty much broke all of them today. So pissed off at myself today it is unbelievable. Tomorrow I need to get strict again.. However I realized that I haven't decided on a punishment for when I break my rules. I think if I blatantly break a rule it will result in fasting for the rest of the day and the following day. If i only break the rule a little bit it will result in fasting for the rest of the day. If i break more than 1 rule no matter how big the break was I will have to fast for the rest of the day. the following day, and I have to add an extra hour to my gym time the following day. 

 Ugg so my mom made dinner tonight for the first time in forever and we all had to eat it. It was some steak thing and now I feel sick. First off I don't eat red meat.. i just don't. I will eat chicken but not red meat. It thoroughly disgusts me. Now i was forced to eat it and will probably be sick tonight because of it. Secondly I didn't want to eat dinner tonight. I just wasn't feeling it. I feel like such a big tub of lard already and when I continue to put more food into my mouth I just feel myself expanding. I feel the need to purge but I haven't done that in so long and I really don't want to. I don't have any laxatives right now either so I am really pissed. Plus my mom baked a pie and is expecting us all to have a piece. NO NO NO NO NO NO. I DONT WANT ANY MORE FOOD!!!! WHY CAN'T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT?????




 

10/13/10

Today woke up and weighed myself as usual... and much to my excitement the scale was lower than it has been in a while... i hit 198.8 today!!! Its a small amount but its still something. 

Stayed following my rules today so i am pretty happy.. I am really hungry right now but I am trying to decide if i want to eat or not. Its a toughie!!

New game New rules

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't So if the chain is on your door, I understand.




Ok so here are some updates on my life. Number 1 I am still a fat ass... weight has not budged. I don't really understand that but I will come back to this in a little. Number 2 I went on a little vacation this weekend. I went back to school for homecoming, and while I was there one of my friends decided it was a good idea to try to set me up with her nephew. I met him on Wednesday night and he was really cute and seemed really nice. To make a long story short he apparently really liked me to and we have been talking everyday since. He really wants to hang out but the thing is he  lives like 3 hours away. It just feels weird to have someone actually want to spend time with me. I find myself putting up the wall and I think it is because I can't accept it for what it is. I don't know why I feel like this. Is this normal?? I have no idea and it is causing me a lot of stress. Another issue that I am having with this is the fact that he is real thin... and I obviously am not... so today I started a new diet. I really need to get in control and so far today I have done really well. I created a new set of rules that I need to follow each day.

Rule #1: Breakfast and Lunch must total under 300 calories

Rule #2: Must drink 1 full water bottle with each meal.

Rule #3: Only drink water or coffee. I will allow myself 1 redbull a week cause I can't live without!

Rule #4: Water intake has to be at least 4 bottles of water.
Rule #5: Must go to the gym 6 days a week for at least an hour.
Rule #6: If eating dinner must be eaten before going to the gym.

Rule #7: If eating dinner must eat the minimum allowed without drawing attention from mom.

Rule #8: No eating past 7:30pm

Rule #9: Must weigh in twice a day = once in the morning and once at night before bed

Rule #10: If I go into the kitchen to snack must drink a full bottle of water and immediately leave.

These are rules that I am going to stick to. I ABSOLUTELY need to slim down. I wont allow myself to stay at this size anymore...it is sickening. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. This needs to stop now!

Blah

I'm having a bit of a depressive streak right now. Not really motivated to do anything, that's why I really haven't posted any big posts. I'm sorry if it seems like I am not really caring but I can't help it. It takes a lot to motivate me to make it through the day right now. There is a lot of stuff going on with my family right now and its causing me to stress out a little bit and its not really helping my situation. I will right about this in a little when i am feeling a little more motivated.

By the way my scale at home is definelty broken. Weighed myself at the gym and I was 195 with clothes on, got home and didn't eat or drink anything jumped on the scale and it said 200. Ummm really?!? So from now on I will be using the gym scale...

Boring

Nothing really much to report but I figured I would update. I have been restricting like crazy but my weight has not changed AT ALL!!!! I havent gained which is good but I also havent lost which is not good. I think that scale  might be broken so tomorrow I am going to start weighing myself at the gym and only using that one.  That's about it... Im watching Glee right now... who knew that these girls had such amazing bodies!!! More thinspiration for me I guess.....

It's been a while....

Hey there.. it's been a long time since I posted last because I have been having a pretty rough time. It was my birthday last week... and that just created a horrible downward spiral but Im happy to say that I am back on track. I am back down to 199.4. I got up almost to my high weight so even though that sounds like a shit ton, i am kind of glad I am back there. I am really restricting for the next 2 weeks before I go back to school.

On a good note, I did get into my smallest sized jeans recently. I threw out my biggest sized jeans so there is no way I can go back up to my high weight.  Not allowing it. I will catch up on everybody soon. I have just been real busy with work, working out, and sleeping.. .that is pretty much all that I do.... what a great life I live!

Well I am going to head out for a run now. I'll be back later. 

AAAHHHHH

So I woke up this morning and weighed myself to find that I had gained 5 lbs!! How the hell does that happen?? I was so good yesterday I had a vit taop muffin for lunch = 100cal, and then i ate some pasta and meatballs which I'm gonna say was about 700 calories... that is probably over estimating but that is what i do. Then I went to the gym and had an intense workout. Where the hell did those pounds come from??

Today I have had a total of 400 calories and I am gonna go to dinner with my friend but I am only gonna have a salad. I could just scream. I hate gaining weight. Ecspecially when I don't know why. Hopefully it is only because it is coming up on "that time of the month". Who knows. Just makes me sad :(

Good things come to those who wait!

All right well I am in a pretty good mood right now for several reasons. First of all I avoided temptation and beat my cravings for chips and a sandwich. I made myself come straight home after Church and eat a toasted bagel thin, and my harvest vegetables. I binged a little with 3 pieces of cheese and some candy corn but in total I don't think that I broke 1,000 calories for the day so I will be happy with that. I took a ton of lax so hopefully it will all eliminated soon anyway. Sorry for that tmi. 

The second reason is that my old friend who I mentioned earlier who we got into a huge fight around this time last year finally accepted my friend request on facebook. I am totally psyched and I am not too sure why. Hopefully we can go back to being friends again. I will keep you posted on this!!

The third reason I am in a good mood is that I am watching my boys play against Alabama. However Alabama just scored soooo that made me a little sad but still due to the first and second reason I am still smiling!! Hope everyone is doing well!! I don't think I have thanked all my followers for reading and commenting! It really does mean a lot to me!

Nothin New

Well nothing really new has been happening. I have been doing well, but i haven't gotten on the scale so I don't know. I have been dreading it because I just don't want to see the lack of progress I probably made. But I will get on the scale on Sunday, I promise and  then I will update everybody. Hopefully there is some major loss there!!

My parents and sister went down the shore for the weekend and left me alone because I have to work. Sooooo exciting cause guess what! I don't have to eat and I can just drink and exercise all day!! I went out and bout more laxatives and stackers today. Im just waiting for the lax to kick in and then I will be empty and I will stay empty for as long as I can. The plan for tomorrow is to get up, go to work, go to the gym/ go for a run depending on the weather, and then go to Church. I bought some diet coke so that should keep me full until after church when I can eat the vegetables i bought today. I think that is all i am going to allow myself. I have less than a month to reach my goal. I need to stay strong!!

:{

Not much to report today so I think I will just list out my intake. I am down 4 pounds from where I was yesterday after my binge filled 2 days so I guess that is good. I don't know it just ticks me off that I was so close to goal 1 and now I am back to the beginning. But hey now that I am back on track it hopefully it will work.

Intake for the day so far:

~ Venti caramel latter with skim milk= 160

~ Turkey burger, bun + cheese = 405

~ 1/2 cup Penne Pasta salad = 150

~ Skinny cow icecream cone = 100

~100 calorie pack = 100

All of this brings my total to 915. It's under 1,000 so I guess i will take it.

 

:(

Ok so I suck at life. I told myself that yesterday I could eat as long as today I fasted... well guess who failed at the whole fast thing. Seriously why can't I get thin? Like is the whole world conspiring against me to make me fat? It's not even like I want to eat, but i just do. I am so angry with myself right now.

And to add to my pathetic life,  I friended girl on facebook today. We were friends last year until I fucked up and opened my mouth and said something I shouldn't have to a supposed friend and of course you can see where things went from here. But see the thing is I still am upset about losing her as a friend. It hurt so bad and it hasn't been a year yet but it is coming up on a year. I am waiting to see if she accepts. I feel like such a loser now that I did this, but it just felt like something I should have done. Plus she is major thinspiration for me. She is gorgeous, super thin, and has a killer body. I look at her and wish that I look just like her. To be honest I can see why she wanted to drop me as a friend. Who wants to have a fat ass loser friend when they are as gorgeous as that?

Tomorrow I am not going to fast, I think my problem is that I am going from one extreme to the next. I am only going to limit myself to dinner tomorrow and just a small amount of it. Plus I am going to hit the gym after I get done at work. I am just going to take it one day at a time.

Self Control... What is that?

So yesterday i woke up and consumed about 500 calories of toast for breakfast. Felt like a fat ass so I went for a run and didnt come back until i burnt off those calories. Felt better and decided that was enough for the day. Then I went and picked up my mom from work who then decided we needed to go to freaking Dairy Queen. I wanted to kill myself. I didn't want the icecream but if I refused then I would hear it from my mom and really I am getting sick of listening to her bitch and moan and call me names just because I dont want to be a fat ass like her. So I ate the icecream. But to counter balance that I went to the gym and took a zone class. It was actually pretty cool and I am totally feeling it today. But then of course I had to mess it up again because when I came home my dad had bought cupcakes from the cupcake truck down in the city and of course my fat ass felt the need to eat one. I didnt even attempt to chew and spit just sat there and ate it. I am still so pissed at myself. I don't understand why I cannot just say no.Ugg and today isn't going to be much better because I have to go down and see my grandparents. Why? Why? Why? I am totally fasting on Saturday. I don't care what kind of lies i have to tell people but no food is entering my body. No way I only have a month and 4 days to drop these pounds...... I will not go back to see my friends looking like this I can't.

Failure Failure Failure

So today started off really good. I had a coffee for breakfast diet coke for lunch. Figured what the hey I will just keep it up and fast for the day.. but no... had to come home and stuff my fat ass face with shit. Binged on about 500 calories... pissed off at myself. Why can't i control myself anymore??

Anyway I am heading to the gym need to work off those calories and I also took some lax on my way home from work so hopefully I will have eliminated the shit out of my body before I go to sleep tonight...  

Update: just got back from the gym. It was a great workout!! My lax's kicked in finally!! I just weighed weighed myself and i am at 196.4!!! Seriously am I that close to goal weight #1 already???? That gives me more motivation to not eat for the rest of the night... 

Alright well I think I am just going to try and keep myself busy...hmm maybe I will go back to working on my crocheting... or maybe I will start my new book....


Remember: Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!

The start of something new

So things have been going pretty well these past 2 days. Weighed in this morning at 198.6 which is good. Almost at gw #1. I stuck to my plan for the most part yesterday. Only thing is my brother needed the car so I couldn't do my cardio but I still got a pretty decent workout from the Body Blast class. It was real intense but I kept up and I will definetly go back again next week.I love waking up in the morning and being super sore. I totally believe in the saying "No pain no gain."

Today went well too. I was tempted with chocolate ckae today at work. I hate saying no to things at work because I don't want people thinking that I am weird. It's a new job and I am trying to make friends so I do my best to try to do what everybody else is doing. But seriously chocolate cake at 8:30?!?!? What the heck. So I took it and ate a couple bites but then I put it down and "forgot" about it. In all honestly I was starving and would have devoured that whole thing but I just kept thinking about my thinspiration for the day. Today it was Kristen Stewart. She is so thin and I never see her eat. I need to get back into that type of control.

I skipped lunch to make up for the cake and then ate a little dinner. Thankfully my parents were fighting so it was more of a shove shit in your mouth and run dinner so no chance of overeating then. Apparently now my mom is no longer cooking for us because my dad is ungrateful so it is up to us to eat whatever. Seriously?!?! Does she understand how happy this makes me feel? Probably not, but shhhh that will be our little secret!

Tomorrow is the same routine, work, gym and then home. I have off Thursday and Friday so those will be my two challenging days because while I'm at work I can keep busy and not think about food but at home I'm bored and its just sitting there. Hopefully I will be strong enough to ignore it.

Don't worry, I will keep you posted!!

Thinspo of the day

Its Sunday aka True Blood day so I figured some Anna Paquin/ Sookie Stackhouse was called for... God I wish I looked like her.

Here We Go

Tomorrow is the day. I just took some lax so that tomorrow I can start fresh tomorrow morning. The plan for my day tomorrow is as follows:

Breakfast: coffee with skim milk

Lunch: hopefully I can skip this but if necessary I have a fruit cup at work

Dinner: I wont be able to get out of this so I will have to see what we are eating but I will eat the least amount as possible

I am going to the gym and doing 30 minutes of cardio and then taking Body Blast class.

I need to hit at least goal weight #2 by October because I am going back to see my friends at school. I want to look hot so that everyone that treated me like shit can see what they are missing. I told myself that when I hit goal weight #1 I can buy myself a new pair of sneakers. Hopefully this will be enough motivation for me. 

 

The beginning

This is the start of my journey to a slimmer me. This is going for me to post all my ups and downs through my journey to losing weight. I am sitting here watching the Emmy red carpet show and realizing that these people are happy because they are thin. If I am thin I will be happy. This post is short but I promise to let you all get to know me in the coming weeks.