New Year New Me

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I have been crazy busy. But as the title says, as the new year begins I am going to change a few things about myself. First off I am going to get serious about this weightloss. By this time next year I want to be under 175. It will happen I promise. Secondly I am going to devote more time this blog and to all my followers. I feel like I have been a horrible person here and I don't want to to be like that. I will try to post everyday and comment more often than I do. Thirdly I am going to be a more social person. I am painfully shy but I really need to break out of my shell and meet new people. I know this might be the hardest part of my New Year's resolution. I will keep you all posted on this too....

So I was wondering.... what are some of your resolutions???

Survived!!!

Well today was the dreaded Office Christmas Party. It was a potluck where everybody brings in something that they made. I was really worried about this because I hate eating in front of people. I always feel like people are judging me and thinking look at that fat ass is she really eating that! So I made sure not to eat anything after 7:30 last night until 12:30 this afternoon when this party started. Then I just took a little bit of some stuff so that it looked like I had a lot on my plate but I really didn't. I didn't have that much and then I had to run in the back to do some work... yea that's right I had to do work during the party... but I was happy because it was dessert time when I was busy. I thought that I could escape but noooooo when I got back they were all still eating dessert and then somehow I ended up taking 2 shots of this polish vodka. Now I  am not a big drinker, on top of the fact that I don't have a very high tolerance, and I had almost nothing in my stomach, you can see where this is going. I didn't want to be the drunk at the party so I hurried up and stuffed some dessert in my stomach so that I wouldn't look like a fool. I was so pissed at myself. I can't even tell you what I ate!!! But the girl who does the animal care job that I use to do called out sick today so me and my coworker had to cover her stuff. This job is pretty heavy duty work so I burned more calories than normal today so my mini binge wasn't so bad but I am still ticked!!

Here is an interesting thing that happened today. I walked into the tech office in my scrubs today. I had to put on what I like to call the skinny scrubs, you know like skinny jeans, because this crazy lady is hording all my new scrubs, she only works 1 day a week but for whatever reason I had 3 new pairs of scrubs and all of a sudden they are missing and she is wearing my scrubs!! But anyway, these scrubs are tighter, not as tight as they use to be, but I really dont like to wear tight stuff that shows off every roll on my body. I hate it!!! Well I was stadning in my scrubs getting something out and the crazy scrub hoarding lady goes, Are you losing weight. To which I reply... uhh no I don't think so. And she goes are you sure cause I think you are. Now this is the second person at work to mention this too me. It makes me feel good but also I just don't see it. Even though I see the scale going down, I still look at myself in the mirror and see a fat fat person who shouldn't be able to leave the house.

Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or small, has its states of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory.

Grape

Went out tonight. Couldnt find anything to wear because nothing fit right cause I am a fat lard ass. Decided on a purple shirt. Probably looked like a grape. Drank beer and now I am sitting in bed semi drunk trying to fall asleep because i have to get up in a couple of hours but am pissed at myself for drinking and not going to the gym. I just want to be thin and to get a boyfriend. I am sick of being fat and alone.

New week New start

I had a fantastic day today! For breakfast I had an apple and coffee. For lunch I had a bannana and water. For dinner I had some o my mom's stew and then went to the gym and had a crazy workout. I feel so in control today. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I hope that I can stay in this mode for a while. Hopefully I can get back on the path to weight loss. Sorry this is so short but I have to go shower so that I can get in bed and get back to reading. I just started Gone with the Wind. I love the movie but I have never read the book!

New York

SO I went to New York yesterday to visit my brother who goes to school in Brooklyn. It was a really fun time minus all the food I ate. I tried to stay on track and I think I did pretty well. I skipped breakfast and for lunch I had an Asian chicken salad and a diet coke. Then we walked all over the city until dinner where I had pasta in vodka sauce. I wanted to get another salad but my mom wouldn't let me. Apparently when you are in Little Italy you aren't allowed to just get a salad. But while my mom and brother were slopping up dessert I just had coffee. I felt so strong saying no to the dessert. Then on the way back we stopped at a bakery to bring stuff back to my dad and sister and I stayed strong and didn't get anything. I weighed myself this morning and I didn't gain which is good but I didn't lose either. I am at 195. Im so frustrated. So far to today I have had 2 nutrigrain bars. I am not going to eat anything until I go to the movies with my sister. I will get a diet soda there and then when we go to Chick-a-fila I will get a salad. No dressing. I am serious I need to get down to 185 by the end of this month. 

Tomorrow I am going to fast all day and then go to the gym. My plan for the week gym wise is to go everyday for at least 1 hour. I am disgusting to look at. I am so embarrassed by myself. UGGGG