AAAHHHH

This week has absolutely sucked. The  scale still hasn't moved and I am really starting to get concerned. What if I am stuck at this weight forever??? Also we did a big study at work last week but the client didn't like their results and wants us to run it again.. for free.  I feel like I screwed it up even though everyone is telling me that I didn't, I feel like I screw everything up and can't do a single thing right. I made a stupid mistake again today.. nothing too big just a paperwork mistake and I started to cry in front of my study director. I was so embarrassed. She was genuinely concerned but how could I explain to her everything that is wrong in my life? I can't that is just to much. Sometimes I wish I could just crawl up into a little ball and hide away. I am sick of everyone being concerned with what I eat and when I eat and how much I eat. I am a fat cow. I don't deserve to eat, and what I eat is none of your business. Just leave me alone!!!!

I just got back from jump rope class. Treadmill guy was in it and of course I made a fool out of myself. I hate my life. I am most certianly going to die alone..

Life sucks

I've been pretty down this week. Dont know why.. could be the fact that I look like a beached whale... I realyl wish I could see what people saw when they looked at me because I know that when I look at myself I just see ripples and ripples of fat. I was at the gym on Thursday and I had shorts on. Now typically I wear either pants, capris, or basketball shorts so that the least amount of flesh is shown, but I decided to break out the normal length shorts. Well that was a HORRIBLE decision. I was doing the eliptical and felt fine... looking at my flappy arms flap back and forth but I was dealing with it, but then I got off of the eliptical and looked in the mirror. All I could see was my dimply fat huge thighs. I almost vomitted. I had to leave, I couldnt continue to look at myself looking like that. EWWWW I really thought that my legs were going to look better than that, but boy was I wrong. Guess I got to keep them covered up for a little more longer now.... Welp I'm off for the gym its Body Bootcamp today and then I have to work  for a couple of hours....

My meal plan for the day is
Granola bar for breakfast
Apple for lunch

I"m back

Alright so I haven't posted in a little while but this morning I woke up and decided that I needed to do something. My life is currently spiraling out of control and I need to reel it back in. Posting on here allows me to get all of my emotions out and not keep them bottled. When I get real stressed and worked up I end up binging or freaking out. I just need a place to let it out and here is a perfect place to do that. So there is more to come....Please don't mind my botching and complaining :)

January 16, 2011

This post is going to be a quick post but went to the gym yesterday and after I was done I was looking at myself in the mirror and I noticed that I am seeing the beginning of a gap between my legs. Not a very big one but it is there!!!! Also went to the mall yesterday and my mom and I went into Lane Bryant.. I was looking for a pea coat and I tried on thier smallest size and i was pretty much swimming in it. I tried some on at New York and company but they didn't fit right. The extra large was long enough for my arms but waist wise it was too big. The large fit right all around except in my shoulders and my arms. I have broad shoulders and long arms so this whole finding a coat really sucks. Supposedly my mom says that even if I lose more weight my shoulders will still be broad.. how can i fix this????

I wish

January 12, 2011

Work sucked again today... well kind of. See things are a bit odd at my place of employment, we lack what I like to call any type of organization. We have a supervisor of sorts, but she doesn't really have great leadership qualities therefore, we all kind of fend for ourselves. And you know that kind of works ok if you know what you are doing.. I however just started at this place 6 months ago and I just was moved into my new position about 3 months ago with very little training. So anyway things get a little sloppy/ screwed up, and then people get in trouble and blamed and now apparently all of us are going to get fired. Because that makes ton of sense fire the entire department... then what is going to happen??? Whatever I was a little upset this morning but the more I think about it the more outrageous it seems. The only thing I can do is make sure that I don't make any mistakes. So today I worked, did my best, and double and triple checked my work. So far on the 8 studies I have on right now I don't see any mistakes, but I just need to keep my focus. The one good thing that came from all this madness was that I got so scared of being fired that I totally lost my appetite. I wasn't very hungry today and only ate when I came home from work with my family. Then I went to the gym and had an ok workout. It could have been better but I wasn't very focused. I was too busy looking for this cute guy, who obviously wasn't there, which was kind of a let down. After the gym I stopped at the pharmacy and got some stuff including the Mega Green tea fat burner. Supposedly it will help you drop 20 pounds. I haven't ever tried this so I figured I would give it a go! I was also thinking of taking some pictures and posting them, you know to give me more motivation, but I am kind of nervous to do it.... Nobody, and I mean nobody has ever seen my body like that.... I don't know, I will have to think this through......

January 9, 2011

Why do all celebratory things usually focus on food? Yesterday my mom decided we should go out and celebrate me going full time at work. What we did was go to the Melting Pot for lunch. The Melting Pot is a fondue restaurant I wanted to go to awhile ago but it is expensive so I never got the chance to go. I was excited but then when I go there I got all awkward because the whole menu is fattening. My mom wanted to go full out and get this like4 course thing, but I convinced her to only get the cheese and chocolate. She got a salad as well, but I don't know how she ate all of it because I was stuffed without the salad. But anyway then we went to run some more errands. We ended the day by going to Bloomingdale's, which might have been the worst decison ever. I was kind of feeling good about how I was looking and I thought I looked cute, but then I went and saw my reflextion in the mirror and I looked like at FAT SLOB!!! And then my mom wants to go to the corner bakery... WTF!?! Neither one of us needs to go to a bakery! So we went and i just wanted a coffee but no my mom made me get a brownie. I felt so disgusting, it was horrible.

Today I woke up and since I didnt have to work I went to the gym. But i still felt so fat that I didn't take my sweatpants off. I just couldn't expose my huge thighs to the whole gym. I think it worked more in my favor because I was so hot by the end of my cardio that I thought I was going to die!! I probably burned a couple more calories than normal. Then I went shopping and bought 2 new pairs of yoga pants from Old Navy.. I hope they fit me and don't make me feel like even more of a fat ass. I think I need to start dressing a little nice for the gym. There are some cute guys there but I don't think they will notice me if I am looking like a slob.  

January 7, 2011

I feel like such a failure right now. I feel like I have kind of just given up on everything. I set those goals for earlier this week and I totally just failed. I was doing so good, but then my monthly visitor came, and everything just want to nothing. Up until wednesday I was doing great only eating one meal a day and going to the gym. Then I was really hungry on Thursday but I didn't eat until I went to dinner with my friend. I really didn't eat all that much but I didn't go to the gym. Then I woke up this morning and I had gained. I hadn't weighed myself all week but on Monday I was 194, this morning I was 198. 4lbs?!?!?!? What the hell????????? I don't even know!!! I am so angry at myself. So you know obviously I say well thats it I am not eating at all today. Well that lasted all day until I came home. I was going to try and only eat a real tiny piece of dinner but instead I binged. Then I felt the need to weigh myself and oh yea gained 2 more pounds. I can't even write the number I want to die. I can't even think right now. I was doing so well and I don't feel like I gained. I even wore my skinny jeans today and they weren't as tight even though they just came out of the dryer. Even my scrubs at work were falling down. Or were they? Maybe it is all a figment of my imagination that I am losing weight and really I am just staying at the same weight and looking like a fat ass slob.... I think i am going to take some lax, then maybe start on a new crocheting project while watching Eclipse. I can't allow myself to go outside looking like this. I am including some pictures of Kristen Stewart from the People's Choice Awards this week. She was looking so tiny and pretty. She is my ultimate thinspo....

January 3, 2010

I hope everyone had a great holiday!! I know I did, it was very nice to not have to work and be able to spend time with my family. Now its time to get back to work!! I hit the gym yesterday for the first time in almost 2 weeks, yea I am disgusting I know, and it felt great! My plan for this new year is to take things just 1 week at a time. I figure that if I set smaller goals for myself then maybe it will be easier for myself to attain them and then I wont get as frustrated. Every Monday  goals for the week. This way I will be able to track my status.

Goals: Eat 1 meal a day

          Go to the gym 6 days for at least 1 hour.

New Year New Me

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I have been crazy busy. But as the title says, as the new year begins I am going to change a few things about myself. First off I am going to get serious about this weightloss. By this time next year I want to be under 175. It will happen I promise. Secondly I am going to devote more time this blog and to all my followers. I feel like I have been a horrible person here and I don't want to to be like that. I will try to post everyday and comment more often than I do. Thirdly I am going to be a more social person. I am painfully shy but I really need to break out of my shell and meet new people. I know this might be the hardest part of my New Year's resolution. I will keep you all posted on this too....

So I was wondering.... what are some of your resolutions???

Survived!!!

Well today was the dreaded Office Christmas Party. It was a potluck where everybody brings in something that they made. I was really worried about this because I hate eating in front of people. I always feel like people are judging me and thinking look at that fat ass is she really eating that! So I made sure not to eat anything after 7:30 last night until 12:30 this afternoon when this party started. Then I just took a little bit of some stuff so that it looked like I had a lot on my plate but I really didn't. I didn't have that much and then I had to run in the back to do some work... yea that's right I had to do work during the party... but I was happy because it was dessert time when I was busy. I thought that I could escape but noooooo when I got back they were all still eating dessert and then somehow I ended up taking 2 shots of this polish vodka. Now I  am not a big drinker, on top of the fact that I don't have a very high tolerance, and I had almost nothing in my stomach, you can see where this is going. I didn't want to be the drunk at the party so I hurried up and stuffed some dessert in my stomach so that I wouldn't look like a fool. I was so pissed at myself. I can't even tell you what I ate!!! But the girl who does the animal care job that I use to do called out sick today so me and my coworker had to cover her stuff. This job is pretty heavy duty work so I burned more calories than normal today so my mini binge wasn't so bad but I am still ticked!!

Here is an interesting thing that happened today. I walked into the tech office in my scrubs today. I had to put on what I like to call the skinny scrubs, you know like skinny jeans, because this crazy lady is hording all my new scrubs, she only works 1 day a week but for whatever reason I had 3 new pairs of scrubs and all of a sudden they are missing and she is wearing my scrubs!! But anyway, these scrubs are tighter, not as tight as they use to be, but I really dont like to wear tight stuff that shows off every roll on my body. I hate it!!! Well I was stadning in my scrubs getting something out and the crazy scrub hoarding lady goes, Are you losing weight. To which I reply... uhh no I don't think so. And she goes are you sure cause I think you are. Now this is the second person at work to mention this too me. It makes me feel good but also I just don't see it. Even though I see the scale going down, I still look at myself in the mirror and see a fat fat person who shouldn't be able to leave the house.

Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or small, has its states of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory.

Grape

Went out tonight. Couldnt find anything to wear because nothing fit right cause I am a fat lard ass. Decided on a purple shirt. Probably looked like a grape. Drank beer and now I am sitting in bed semi drunk trying to fall asleep because i have to get up in a couple of hours but am pissed at myself for drinking and not going to the gym. I just want to be thin and to get a boyfriend. I am sick of being fat and alone.

New week New start

I had a fantastic day today! For breakfast I had an apple and coffee. For lunch I had a bannana and water. For dinner I had some o my mom's stew and then went to the gym and had a crazy workout. I feel so in control today. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I hope that I can stay in this mode for a while. Hopefully I can get back on the path to weight loss. Sorry this is so short but I have to go shower so that I can get in bed and get back to reading. I just started Gone with the Wind. I love the movie but I have never read the book!

New York

SO I went to New York yesterday to visit my brother who goes to school in Brooklyn. It was a really fun time minus all the food I ate. I tried to stay on track and I think I did pretty well. I skipped breakfast and for lunch I had an Asian chicken salad and a diet coke. Then we walked all over the city until dinner where I had pasta in vodka sauce. I wanted to get another salad but my mom wouldn't let me. Apparently when you are in Little Italy you aren't allowed to just get a salad. But while my mom and brother were slopping up dessert I just had coffee. I felt so strong saying no to the dessert. Then on the way back we stopped at a bakery to bring stuff back to my dad and sister and I stayed strong and didn't get anything. I weighed myself this morning and I didn't gain which is good but I didn't lose either. I am at 195. Im so frustrated. So far to today I have had 2 nutrigrain bars. I am not going to eat anything until I go to the movies with my sister. I will get a diet soda there and then when we go to Chick-a-fila I will get a salad. No dressing. I am serious I need to get down to 185 by the end of this month. 

Tomorrow I am going to fast all day and then go to the gym. My plan for the week gym wise is to go everyday for at least 1 hour. I am disgusting to look at. I am so embarrassed by myself. UGGGG

Countdown to Turkey day

Hey there. Sorry I haven't had the chance to update. I have been crazy busy with work. It seems that everything is begining to pick up again which is great, well with the exception that they want me to get trained in a different department, the slower department, while my department is swamped with requests. It is hilarious the "tug of war" I am invovled in. I just sit back and go where ever I am needed. 

Weightwise, I am still stuck at 194, but my mom says that she can really see the weightloss. Personally I still think I look like a fat cow which sucks because I wish that I could see what she sees. I have been doing a lot of weight training recently, so I might have lost some more weight but I might have gained some muscle. I guess that is ok because muscle burns more calories than fat even when you are just sitting there. I went to boxing last night before my Body Blast class and had a ton of fun. It was a great workout and it was really fun too!! I got to put boxing gloves on and punch people. It was a good stress reliever and I will definetly be going again!!

My current thinspo person is Emma Watson from Harry Potter. I saw the movie twice last weekend and I am so jealous of how skinny and tiny she is. So here are a couple of pictures of her for motivation!

FAIL!!!

So this weekend has been one of the biggest let downs thus far. I just ate and ate and ate. I kept telling myself to stop but then I kept finding myself in the kitchen. I don't even want to get on the scale tomorrow morning cause I know that it is just going to piss me off. I am so frustrated with myself. I always hit a goal and then back track. I need to keep going down, I don't have time for this up and down game!! And now I am getting all stressed out about this weight crap, among other things, that my face is breaking out. AHHHHH

Here is the plan for tomorrow. Breakfast will be a large cup of coffee. Lunch will be a bottle of water and possibly a Fiber 1 bar, depends on what the scale reads. I know what my mom is cooking for dinner, so i will have a little of that, try to keep it around 500 calories, and then I will go to the gym and burn that and then some off. I think I am going to try the boxing class before my body blast class. It looks real intense but also like a lot of fun. Wish me luck! I really need to stick to this plan!!

Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would do it. Its the hard that makes it great.

I wanted to thank you all for giving me the inspiration I needed yesterday to get off my fat ass and go to the gym. I was totally not feeling motivated to go work out but then I came on here and read the blogs and then felt like I needed to go workout because otherwise I would be letting you down. I woke up this morning and when the scale said 194 that made me feel so great. I am still below GW #1, and now i only have 9 more lbs to go to GW #2.

And I also went out on Tuesday night. I had a great time. I went out with a co-worker and her friends and I had a lot of fun. I even drank and came home and didn't get into any trouble!!! Woot woot.. If you knew my mom you would be excited too!! And it took my mind off of the boy.... I still can't believe he was such a jackass but hey whatever! I am moving onto better things!!

Cough Cough

Ugg still feel like crap. I had to take off work today to go to the doctors to get a physical for my work.... I hate being home because i feel like such a waste. I also don't have a car at the moment so today I have to go out and buy a new battery for the stupid thing. I can't wait until I can save enough to get my own. I have been trying to watch my spending... This is also a good way to watch my calories because I can use my saving money as an excuse to not go out and eat!! 

That being said, went to the doctor and got weighed. They weighed me in my jeans and sweater and I still weighed less than what I use to weigh naked soooo that got me excited!! But I am still a fat whale so I am not that excited. I am heading to the gym tonight. They started a boxing class before my usual class so I think I am going to try that tonight. I have a lot of pent up aggression and I think this is a better way to get it out than some of my other ways. 


Ok so this is why I hate being home. I was bored and decided to go on facebook... yea what a freaken great idea! Went on the boy's page and there are all these pictures with him and this girl and they are posting to each other like we use to post. I know we were never really anything but this really hurts. I don't know why but I legitimately have a pain in my chest and it feels like I have been punched in the stomach. I am on the verge of tears. I just don't understand. I have never been in a relationship and I went on my first ever "real" date with this kid. And then he just up and stops talking to me. What the hell I DON'T GET IT!!! I seriously can not be that ugly!  I try to play it off like it doesn't really bother me but it does. I don't know how much more of this I can take. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

Blahh

This is going to be a quick one because i feel like crap. Hit goal weight #1 and then some today. I havent eaten anything today because I felt so sick all day so I hope this sticks!! So i guess today was a fasting day... let's see if i can get away with it tomorrow. I guess that is the only good thing about being sick. I took some medicine so hopefully i will be falling asleep soon. I really haven't been able to sleep lately because i have been upset about the boy. He just stopped texting me. I don't know what i did but I haven't heard from here since tuesday and normally we talk everyday. I am trying to not let it get me down but it does kind of hurt my feelings....

No food... No food... No food

This weekend was horrible. I just couldn't control myself and pretty much had a 3 day binge. Good thing is I only gained 0.2 lbs so I guess that isn't too bad but I am still pretty pissed. I went to the gym for 2 hours yesterday and this morning I woke up and i had gained another 0.6lbs. What the hell. It is disgusting. 


This morning I skipped breakfast and only ate about 3 slices of apple but now I have to eat dinner with the family. I don't want to eat but I already tried to get out of it but it failed epically. Good news, my mom has noticed my weight loss so I guess I am losing but I just don't see it!! There is still a lot of work to do. 


I really should go to the gym but I am just so tired. I am going to make myself go but I might not do the treadmill, maybe I will do the eliptical for 30 minutes, do the stepper for 15 minutes, do the eliptical for 30 more minutes, and then the bike for 15 minutes. Followed by some abs and stretching. 


I am thinking about starting some diet pills too. I just am not too sure which ones to get. After the gym I am going to stop by the pharmacy and see what they have. Any suggestions??