January 7, 2011

I feel like such a failure right now. I feel like I have kind of just given up on everything. I set those goals for earlier this week and I totally just failed. I was doing so good, but then my monthly visitor came, and everything just want to nothing. Up until wednesday I was doing great only eating one meal a day and going to the gym. Then I was really hungry on Thursday but I didn't eat until I went to dinner with my friend. I really didn't eat all that much but I didn't go to the gym. Then I woke up this morning and I had gained. I hadn't weighed myself all week but on Monday I was 194, this morning I was 198. 4lbs?!?!?!? What the hell????????? I don't even know!!! I am so angry at myself. So you know obviously I say well thats it I am not eating at all today. Well that lasted all day until I came home. I was going to try and only eat a real tiny piece of dinner but instead I binged. Then I felt the need to weigh myself and oh yea gained 2 more pounds. I can't even write the number I want to die. I can't even think right now. I was doing so well and I don't feel like I gained. I even wore my skinny jeans today and they weren't as tight even though they just came out of the dryer. Even my scrubs at work were falling down. Or were they? Maybe it is all a figment of my imagination that I am losing weight and really I am just staying at the same weight and looking like a fat ass slob.... I think i am going to take some lax, then maybe start on a new crocheting project while watching Eclipse. I can't allow myself to go outside looking like this. I am including some pictures of Kristen Stewart from the People's Choice Awards this week. She was looking so tiny and pretty. She is my ultimate thinspo....