January 7, 2011

I feel like such a failure right now. I feel like I have kind of just given up on everything. I set those goals for earlier this week and I totally just failed. I was doing so good, but then my monthly visitor came, and everything just want to nothing. Up until wednesday I was doing great only eating one meal a day and going to the gym. Then I was really hungry on Thursday but I didn't eat until I went to dinner with my friend. I really didn't eat all that much but I didn't go to the gym. Then I woke up this morning and I had gained. I hadn't weighed myself all week but on Monday I was 194, this morning I was 198. 4lbs?!?!?!? What the hell????????? I don't even know!!! I am so angry at myself. So you know obviously I say well thats it I am not eating at all today. Well that lasted all day until I came home. I was going to try and only eat a real tiny piece of dinner but instead I binged. Then I felt the need to weigh myself and oh yea gained 2 more pounds. I can't even write the number I want to die. I can't even think right now. I was doing so well and I don't feel like I gained. I even wore my skinny jeans today and they weren't as tight even though they just came out of the dryer. Even my scrubs at work were falling down. Or were they? Maybe it is all a figment of my imagination that I am losing weight and really I am just staying at the same weight and looking like a fat ass slob.... I think i am going to take some lax, then maybe start on a new crocheting project while watching Eclipse. I can't allow myself to go outside looking like this. I am including some pictures of Kristen Stewart from the People's Choice Awards this week. She was looking so tiny and pretty. She is my ultimate thinspo....

January 3, 2010

I hope everyone had a great holiday!! I know I did, it was very nice to not have to work and be able to spend time with my family. Now its time to get back to work!! I hit the gym yesterday for the first time in almost 2 weeks, yea I am disgusting I know, and it felt great! My plan for this new year is to take things just 1 week at a time. I figure that if I set smaller goals for myself then maybe it will be easier for myself to attain them and then I wont get as frustrated. Every Monday  goals for the week. This way I will be able to track my status.

Goals: Eat 1 meal a day

          Go to the gym 6 days for at least 1 hour.

New Year New Me

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I have been crazy busy. But as the title says, as the new year begins I am going to change a few things about myself. First off I am going to get serious about this weightloss. By this time next year I want to be under 175. It will happen I promise. Secondly I am going to devote more time this blog and to all my followers. I feel like I have been a horrible person here and I don't want to to be like that. I will try to post everyday and comment more often than I do. Thirdly I am going to be a more social person. I am painfully shy but I really need to break out of my shell and meet new people. I know this might be the hardest part of my New Year's resolution. I will keep you all posted on this too....

So I was wondering.... what are some of your resolutions???

Survived!!!

Well today was the dreaded Office Christmas Party. It was a potluck where everybody brings in something that they made. I was really worried about this because I hate eating in front of people. I always feel like people are judging me and thinking look at that fat ass is she really eating that! So I made sure not to eat anything after 7:30 last night until 12:30 this afternoon when this party started. Then I just took a little bit of some stuff so that it looked like I had a lot on my plate but I really didn't. I didn't have that much and then I had to run in the back to do some work... yea that's right I had to do work during the party... but I was happy because it was dessert time when I was busy. I thought that I could escape but noooooo when I got back they were all still eating dessert and then somehow I ended up taking 2 shots of this polish vodka. Now I  am not a big drinker, on top of the fact that I don't have a very high tolerance, and I had almost nothing in my stomach, you can see where this is going. I didn't want to be the drunk at the party so I hurried up and stuffed some dessert in my stomach so that I wouldn't look like a fool. I was so pissed at myself. I can't even tell you what I ate!!! But the girl who does the animal care job that I use to do called out sick today so me and my coworker had to cover her stuff. This job is pretty heavy duty work so I burned more calories than normal today so my mini binge wasn't so bad but I am still ticked!!

Here is an interesting thing that happened today. I walked into the tech office in my scrubs today. I had to put on what I like to call the skinny scrubs, you know like skinny jeans, because this crazy lady is hording all my new scrubs, she only works 1 day a week but for whatever reason I had 3 new pairs of scrubs and all of a sudden they are missing and she is wearing my scrubs!! But anyway, these scrubs are tighter, not as tight as they use to be, but I really dont like to wear tight stuff that shows off every roll on my body. I hate it!!! Well I was stadning in my scrubs getting something out and the crazy scrub hoarding lady goes, Are you losing weight. To which I reply... uhh no I don't think so. And she goes are you sure cause I think you are. Now this is the second person at work to mention this too me. It makes me feel good but also I just don't see it. Even though I see the scale going down, I still look at myself in the mirror and see a fat fat person who shouldn't be able to leave the house.

Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or small, has its states of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory.

Grape

Went out tonight. Couldnt find anything to wear because nothing fit right cause I am a fat lard ass. Decided on a purple shirt. Probably looked like a grape. Drank beer and now I am sitting in bed semi drunk trying to fall asleep because i have to get up in a couple of hours but am pissed at myself for drinking and not going to the gym. I just want to be thin and to get a boyfriend. I am sick of being fat and alone.

New week New start

I had a fantastic day today! For breakfast I had an apple and coffee. For lunch I had a bannana and water. For dinner I had some o my mom's stew and then went to the gym and had a crazy workout. I feel so in control today. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I hope that I can stay in this mode for a while. Hopefully I can get back on the path to weight loss. Sorry this is so short but I have to go shower so that I can get in bed and get back to reading. I just started Gone with the Wind. I love the movie but I have never read the book!

New York

SO I went to New York yesterday to visit my brother who goes to school in Brooklyn. It was a really fun time minus all the food I ate. I tried to stay on track and I think I did pretty well. I skipped breakfast and for lunch I had an Asian chicken salad and a diet coke. Then we walked all over the city until dinner where I had pasta in vodka sauce. I wanted to get another salad but my mom wouldn't let me. Apparently when you are in Little Italy you aren't allowed to just get a salad. But while my mom and brother were slopping up dessert I just had coffee. I felt so strong saying no to the dessert. Then on the way back we stopped at a bakery to bring stuff back to my dad and sister and I stayed strong and didn't get anything. I weighed myself this morning and I didn't gain which is good but I didn't lose either. I am at 195. Im so frustrated. So far to today I have had 2 nutrigrain bars. I am not going to eat anything until I go to the movies with my sister. I will get a diet soda there and then when we go to Chick-a-fila I will get a salad. No dressing. I am serious I need to get down to 185 by the end of this month. 

Tomorrow I am going to fast all day and then go to the gym. My plan for the week gym wise is to go everyday for at least 1 hour. I am disgusting to look at. I am so embarrassed by myself. UGGGG