AAAHHHH

This week has absolutely sucked. The  scale still hasn't moved and I am really starting to get concerned. What if I am stuck at this weight forever??? Also we did a big study at work last week but the client didn't like their results and wants us to run it again.. for free.  I feel like I screwed it up even though everyone is telling me that I didn't, I feel like I screw everything up and can't do a single thing right. I made a stupid mistake again today.. nothing too big just a paperwork mistake and I started to cry in front of my study director. I was so embarrassed. She was genuinely concerned but how could I explain to her everything that is wrong in my life? I can't that is just to much. Sometimes I wish I could just crawl up into a little ball and hide away. I am sick of everyone being concerned with what I eat and when I eat and how much I eat. I am a fat cow. I don't deserve to eat, and what I eat is none of your business. Just leave me alone!!!!

I just got back from jump rope class. Treadmill guy was in it and of course I made a fool out of myself. I hate my life. I am most certianly going to die alone..

Life sucks

I've been pretty down this week. Dont know why.. could be the fact that I look like a beached whale... I realyl wish I could see what people saw when they looked at me because I know that when I look at myself I just see ripples and ripples of fat. I was at the gym on Thursday and I had shorts on. Now typically I wear either pants, capris, or basketball shorts so that the least amount of flesh is shown, but I decided to break out the normal length shorts. Well that was a HORRIBLE decision. I was doing the eliptical and felt fine... looking at my flappy arms flap back and forth but I was dealing with it, but then I got off of the eliptical and looked in the mirror. All I could see was my dimply fat huge thighs. I almost vomitted. I had to leave, I couldnt continue to look at myself looking like that. EWWWW I really thought that my legs were going to look better than that, but boy was I wrong. Guess I got to keep them covered up for a little more longer now.... Welp I'm off for the gym its Body Bootcamp today and then I have to work  for a couple of hours....

My meal plan for the day is
Granola bar for breakfast
Apple for lunch

I"m back

Alright so I haven't posted in a little while but this morning I woke up and decided that I needed to do something. My life is currently spiraling out of control and I need to reel it back in. Posting on here allows me to get all of my emotions out and not keep them bottled. When I get real stressed and worked up I end up binging or freaking out. I just need a place to let it out and here is a perfect place to do that. So there is more to come....Please don't mind my botching and complaining :)

January 16, 2011

This post is going to be a quick post but went to the gym yesterday and after I was done I was looking at myself in the mirror and I noticed that I am seeing the beginning of a gap between my legs. Not a very big one but it is there!!!! Also went to the mall yesterday and my mom and I went into Lane Bryant.. I was looking for a pea coat and I tried on thier smallest size and i was pretty much swimming in it. I tried some on at New York and company but they didn't fit right. The extra large was long enough for my arms but waist wise it was too big. The large fit right all around except in my shoulders and my arms. I have broad shoulders and long arms so this whole finding a coat really sucks. Supposedly my mom says that even if I lose more weight my shoulders will still be broad.. how can i fix this????

I wish

January 12, 2011

Work sucked again today... well kind of. See things are a bit odd at my place of employment, we lack what I like to call any type of organization. We have a supervisor of sorts, but she doesn't really have great leadership qualities therefore, we all kind of fend for ourselves. And you know that kind of works ok if you know what you are doing.. I however just started at this place 6 months ago and I just was moved into my new position about 3 months ago with very little training. So anyway things get a little sloppy/ screwed up, and then people get in trouble and blamed and now apparently all of us are going to get fired. Because that makes ton of sense fire the entire department... then what is going to happen??? Whatever I was a little upset this morning but the more I think about it the more outrageous it seems. The only thing I can do is make sure that I don't make any mistakes. So today I worked, did my best, and double and triple checked my work. So far on the 8 studies I have on right now I don't see any mistakes, but I just need to keep my focus. The one good thing that came from all this madness was that I got so scared of being fired that I totally lost my appetite. I wasn't very hungry today and only ate when I came home from work with my family. Then I went to the gym and had an ok workout. It could have been better but I wasn't very focused. I was too busy looking for this cute guy, who obviously wasn't there, which was kind of a let down. After the gym I stopped at the pharmacy and got some stuff including the Mega Green tea fat burner. Supposedly it will help you drop 20 pounds. I haven't ever tried this so I figured I would give it a go! I was also thinking of taking some pictures and posting them, you know to give me more motivation, but I am kind of nervous to do it.... Nobody, and I mean nobody has ever seen my body like that.... I don't know, I will have to think this through......

January 9, 2011

Why do all celebratory things usually focus on food? Yesterday my mom decided we should go out and celebrate me going full time at work. What we did was go to the Melting Pot for lunch. The Melting Pot is a fondue restaurant I wanted to go to awhile ago but it is expensive so I never got the chance to go. I was excited but then when I go there I got all awkward because the whole menu is fattening. My mom wanted to go full out and get this like4 course thing, but I convinced her to only get the cheese and chocolate. She got a salad as well, but I don't know how she ate all of it because I was stuffed without the salad. But anyway then we went to run some more errands. We ended the day by going to Bloomingdale's, which might have been the worst decison ever. I was kind of feeling good about how I was looking and I thought I looked cute, but then I went and saw my reflextion in the mirror and I looked like at FAT SLOB!!! And then my mom wants to go to the corner bakery... WTF!?! Neither one of us needs to go to a bakery! So we went and i just wanted a coffee but no my mom made me get a brownie. I felt so disgusting, it was horrible.

Today I woke up and since I didnt have to work I went to the gym. But i still felt so fat that I didn't take my sweatpants off. I just couldn't expose my huge thighs to the whole gym. I think it worked more in my favor because I was so hot by the end of my cardio that I thought I was going to die!! I probably burned a couple more calories than normal. Then I went shopping and bought 2 new pairs of yoga pants from Old Navy.. I hope they fit me and don't make me feel like even more of a fat ass. I think I need to start dressing a little nice for the gym. There are some cute guys there but I don't think they will notice me if I am looking like a slob.